The Bitter Sting of Tears
by Maverick1
Summary: They were trained to kill. It was just a part of the job. But away from the rest of the world, the guilt threatened to destroy them. How can you justify taking a life?


Just a short note that I'll put in here so there's no confusion. There's three points of view in this story and they're very clearly labelled so I hope no one's confused about that. Also, this story is an accompanying piece to a couple of my other stories but it can be read as a stand-alone.

  


The Bitter Sting Of Tears   


**~Aria Walsh~**

"Throw some effort into it, Walsh!" 

I bit back the retort that was on the tip of my tongue and continued to try focusing my energy on the bug in front of me. 

"Come on...stop trying to kill it and kill it!" 

Sweat dripped off my forehead but I kept my wand steady. All I needed now was for it to waver and Trahern would never let me hear the end of it. 

The glass jar surrounding the bug shattered, sending shards flying in all directions. "Damnit." 

Trahern shook his head, looking disappointed. "That's it for today." He sounded emotionally drained, which was hardly possible, considering all he'd been doing involved standing on his chair and yelling at me. 

I sighed thankfully. 

"Be back here tomorrow. Five. AM." 

I just nodded. The second he left the room, closing the heavy iron door behind him, I slumped into a chair, not for the first time wondering why I was doing this. Oh, of course, I _knew_. I just didn't _know_. 

Which sounds utterly stupid, I know. I got into this thing, being an Auror, to keep an eye on Sirius, who doesn't actually need an eye kept on him. He's much better than I am and let's face it, I suck and probably always will. Today was yet another spent on the Killing Curse. Avada Kedavra. The name alone made me shiver. It was so...final. Too final. 

I'd done surprisingly well with the other curses and hexes, only finding problems with the Unforgivables. Oh, I hated them. They were so cruel; too cruel to use on another human being. But Death Eaters used them all the time and the Ministry (Crouch, that is) felt that the only way to be able to fight them was to use them. I suppose that somewhere along the way, he forgot that using any of the Unforgivables on another human being automatically earned a life sentence in Azkaban. 

Making a face at the wall, I pulled myself up, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Lord, I was tired. 

***** 

"Ri? Ri?" Someone was shaking me lightly, whispering my name over and over again. 

"Sirius?" I asked sleepily. 

"What's the matter?" he asked, sounding slightly frantic. 

My eyes opened. "I'm sorry?" 

"What's wrong?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"I walked in and you were lying on the ground," he elaborated. "I moved you to the bed and you still wouldn't wake up. What's wrong?" 

I forced myself to sit up and then fell back down with a groan. "Tired." 

He sat on the edge of the bed, eyeing me warily. 

"What time is it?" 

"Three." 

"Afternoon?" 

"Morning." 

I stared at him and sighed, looking away quickly. "I see." 

"Don't start that again." 

"I'm not starting anything, Sirius." 

"Aria..." he said warningly, "this is not a good time." 

"It never is." 

"What is that supposed to mean?" 

I shrugged tiredly. "That you never want to talk about the problems that we are so obviously having." 

"We are _not_ having problems!" 

"That why you've been coming in past midnight for over a month? Is that why you've been sleeping on the couch? Is that why we never see each other? Sirius, for Heaven's sake!" 

I expected him to yell right back but he didn't. Not this time. "Don't do this." 

I pushed him away and slid off the bed. "I'm not doing anything. And that's why you like it, isn't it, Sirius? The dumb girl who never argues. The stupid girl who will stay no matter what. The fool who can never get anything right." 

He caught my arm as I made to leave. "I don't think that!" 

"Don't touch me." 

Stubborn as always, Sirius refused to let go. "I don't think that," he said again, lowering his voice by ten decibels. 

"Yeah, well you should." 

He followed me into the kitchen and leaned against the table, watching me. "What happened?" 

I let the tap run cold water over my fingers. "Nothing. Nothing happened." 

"Trahern do something to you? He upset you?" 

I glanced at him. "And what if he did, Sirius? You'd play the big man and beat him up for me?" 

A pause. 

"Why are you acting like this?" 

Truthfully, I didn't know. I was just in a bad mood and Sirius was there for me to take it out on. Unfair, I know, but the price you pay when you live with someone voluntarily. "If you don't like it, you know where the front door is." Ugh, I didn't mean that. Whenever Sirius and I fight, I end up saying things I don't mean. We both do, I suppose. Hurtful, cruel comments and we can't seem to stop. 

"Fine." He picked up his leather jacket and a minute later, the front door slammed. A minute after that, I heard his motorbike start. 

I leaned over the sink and closed my eyes. _'Fight number fourteen for the week.'_

***** 

"Come on, Walsh! Concentrate!" 

I gritted my teeth and tried to ignore him. Five jars. Five bugs. Easy enough. _'Where the hell is Sirius?'_

"Damnit, Walsh, I said concentrate!" _'He didn't come back.'_ "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" 

_'Just kill the bug...kill the damn bug and he'll shut up,'_ I thought savagely. 

"Don't just stare at it! Perform the damn curse!" _'I hope he went to James'...if he got plastered and ended up passed out somewhere...'_ "What are you waiting for? The end of the world? 'Cause the way you're going, you might just see it!" 

"Avada Kedavra," I muttered. The glass didn't even crack. 

"Try _coN-ceN-trayte-ING_!" he bellowed, sounding out each syllable. "Are you listening to me? I want you to concentrate!" 

"Yeah, I can hear you!" I snapped, slamming one glass jar into the wall with a disarming spell. Funny how that works, isn't it? 

Trahern stood stock still, still huffing and puffing, his face red. "What did you say?" he asked in a dangerous whisper. 

"I said, I heard you," I said between clenched teeth. "Barking in my ear is _not_ helping my 'concentration'." 

"Are you getting smart with me?" 

"No, I'm just stating the obvious!" I shouted back, past the point of reasoning and understanding that yelling at my superior really wasn't what I should have been doing. "And the obvious is that when you're howling like a goddamn banshee, the entire population of Tibet can hear you!" 

"Remember who you're talking to-" 

"_WHY?!?_ Is it going to help me somewhere along the way? Is it going to change the world? No! Damnit, NO!" I turned away from him and pointed my wand at a jar. I barely heard myself mutter the words and then there was a flash of a light so bright it hurt my eyes. 

And when I opened them, the jar was intact and on the bottom of it lay the beetle. 

Lifeless and very very still. 

***** 

I suppose I should have been happy with that. Trahern let me have the rest of the day off. I'd completed the Unforgiveables training program. And I felt sick to my stomach. These people, these _Aurors_, were expecting me to be able to kill another human being and I could barely kill a beetle. 

When I finally staggered in the front door, Sirius was sitting on the couch and looking decidedly pissed off. 

"You're home early," I observed, pulling off my coat and dropping it over a chair. 

He fiddled with a cushion. "Our mission crashed." 

I paused in the doorway to the kitchen, looking at him sympathetically. "I'm sorry." 

He laughed resentfully. "Yeah right." 

Filling a glass with water, I took a long drink before putting it down and moving back to stand in the doorway once more. "Was it serious?" 

He looked at me, as if he'd only just noticed I had come in. "Define serious," he said, giving me a look I couldn't quite decipher. "I mean, it was only one Auror who died. So it can't have been that bad, can it?" 

I tried to ignore his biting sarcasm. "What happened?" 

He stood up, towering over me. "She was captured. And they tortured and raped her for hours and when we got there, they killed her." 

"I-" 

"And they did it because she was a woman," he interrupted, his voice low and his eyes boring into mine. "They did it because they wanted to own her. To destroy her before they killed her." 

I was finding it hard to swallow now. He can be really quite frightening when he's angry. "Sirius, I'm sorry." 

"And all I could think of was...what if it had been you," he said softly. 

I bit my lip and waited for him to continue. 

"Why did you do this?" he asked. "Why did you want to be...?" 

This is another thing we're constantly arguing over: my career choice. Sirius wishes that I'd gotten a normal Ministry job and while I don't particularly like being an Auror, it's better than sitting at a desk all day, answering owls. "Because. If everyone thought like that, there wouldn't be any Aurors." 

"But why _you_?" he snapped, making me jump. "Why couldn't you just have done something simple? Something that didn't put your life in danger every minute of every day?!?" 

I stared at him, suddenly very tired. "Look, Sirius. I'm sorry that your mission didn't work out the way it was planned but don't bring me into this. I don't-" 

"It could happen to you! It takes just one second for them to capture a prisoner and after that, you – belong – to – them." He turned away and took a long drink from the glass on the table. 

I narrowed my eyes at him and then shook my head at his back, disgusted. "You're drunk." 

"No. I'm not drunk." 

"Yes, you are. You do this every single time something doesn't go your way. You go and get yourself hammered and then expect me to pick up after you. Not this time, Sirius. Grow up." 

I slammed the door behind me and had the satisfaction of feeling the entire building shake. 

***** 

One evening stretched into two. Two days stretched into four and Sirius and I were still not talking. I'd taken to sleeping in the office and I could only guess where he was. Not that I cared, of course. 

"All right, you lot...look alive then!" Trahern hollered. 

The six of us glared at him. He was our guide and there wasn't one of us that liked him. Four men, two women and, as always, I was the youngest. 

"Managed to get you lot an assignment," he said, puffing out his chest and smirking around at us. 

I exchanged a look with Markham. We were the only two in this division still in our teens and another of my co-workers whom Sirius acted jealous of. Absolutely ridiculous, really. Considering the fact that I was engaged and Markham married, but Sirius could never learn common sense. Yet another reason I loved the stupid ass. 

"I don't how well you'll be able to handle it though," he said, fixing his eyes pointedly on me. "But I'm sure you'll try your best. We've located a temporary Death Eaters' hideout. We're sending you lot and another division, of course-" 

"Of course," Markham snorted under his breath. 

"-and," Trahern continued, with a sharp glance in our direction, "I'm expecting you lot to do your jobs the way you've been trained to do them. After that, your training is," he looked pained, "complete." 

When an Auror's training has been completed, they spend the rest of their lives working up to a higher rank. Every mission accomplished, they move up one. Every assignment botched, they move down two. Or they die. _'How did I get myself into this?'_

"I'm hoping that you lot will be able to bring the lot of them in but if not," he glared at me, "you will have to kill them. No questions asked." 

No questions asked. 

***** 

The following days were spent training to an almost insane level. We were all hexed repeatedly and spent more than a few evenings in the infirmary. Broken ribs and shattered ulnas, bruised jaws and cuts of every size marred the limbs of every single one of us. Not a picnic in the park, let me tell you. 

Thursday evening came much too soon for my liking. Although, if it had been to my liking, Thursday evening wouldn't have come at all. It was strange though...I mean, here I was, standing outside a _Death Eaters' temporary camp_ and the only though running through my mind was that I hadn't talked to Sirius yet. We'd brushed past each other in the last week but we weren't talking. We refused to admit that we were fighting with each other. It was absolutely ridiculous and although I hated to admit it, I really missed the stupid git. More than anything, I wish he'd scream at me rather than ignore me. 

"Oy, we're moving...pay attention!" Markham hissed in my ear, wrenching me up by my arm up and pulling me towards the wards. 

I shook him off, silently pulling myself together. Getting killed now would most probably not resolve my Sirius problem. And I could just imagine the stupid joke he'd be making if I'd said that to him, with his big smile and his eyes gleaming in that way...ugh, this was getting pathetic. 

"Listen up!" 

I rolled my eyes and turned my attention to the chubby, middle-aged woman barking orders at us in her quietest whisper. 

"We'll be moving in on my count. Good luck." She sounded resigned, as if she'd already decided we were going to fail. 

I started pleading with an unknown force after that, hoping that I'd at least get to see my fiancé one last time. I couldn't even remember what our fights were about now; they were just meaningless, empty wastes of time. God...we'd both been so stupid. 

And then the count was up. We moved in quickly, capturing and stunning as best we could. We were all shouting loudly, trying to make our curses heard. I couldn't even hear my own voice after a while and I could barely open my eyes against the flashes of light that were gradually getting brighter and then dimmer and then brighter again. 

Everything started blending together and I don't remember how it happened or how we ended up in that position. All I remember is that a Death Eater's curse smashed through Markham's shield and he stumbled backwards. The Death Eater smiled in a twisted way and raised his wand, probably to make a clean job of it. 

I heard myself say the words, felt the green light pass behind my eyelids and when I could focus again, the Death Eater was lying on his back, his eyes open in surprise. 

He was dead. 

I couldn't move after that. I let the other Aurors finish their work, round up the remaining Death Eaters and leave. I saw two Aurors supporting Markham as he limped towards the exit. I saw other Ministry workers apparating in and congratulating the Aurors on a "fine job". 

I knelt beside the man who had died. The man I had killed and I felt my stomach turn. I had done that. I had taken a life that hadn't been mine to take and I felt sick with guilt. I didn't even realize I was shaking until I reached out to shut his eyes. 

I tasted blood on my tongue. I'd bitten through my lip. I'd killed a man. I'd killed someone. Someone was dead because of me. _'I had no choice...I had to...I had no choice.'_ But I could have stunned him, I could have disarmed him...oh God, I could have done anything else but I'd chosen to...to... 

I stood up abruptly, acutely aware of the people milling around me, talking in low voices, trying to clean up, as was the Ministry's way. Shoving my way outside, I leaned against the wall, trying my hardest not to vomit. The fresh air was stifling me. My hair had come out of the knot I usually wore it in and was whipping about my face, stinging my eyes. 

_'Sirius, I need you.'_

"Hey, Walsh!" The tone was recognizable at once. 

"Trahern," I greeted dully. 

"Saw that Killing Curse...jolly good, I say-" 

I shoved him as hard as I could. "I killed someone." 

"It was a Death Eater," he said dismissively, dusting his robes off. 

"He was alive." 

"Yes and you did the right thing." 

"Are you crazy?" I snapped, unconsciously raising my voice. "I _killed_ someone!" 

"It was self-defence." 

"It was murder!" I shrieked. 

He shook his head. "I _had_ thought you were over this sentimental nonsense. It's ridiculous to dwell on something that was right. It's nothing to worry your pretty little head about." 

I stared at him, finally seeing him for the first time. "Killing someone is not right," I choked out. "Maybe if you pulled your head out of your ass, you'd be able to see that. You can't solve killing with more killing!" I knew I was getting hysterical but the shock of what I had done was finally fading, leaving me shaky and terrified. 

He slapped me then. Hard, right across the face. It stung. "Just remember who you're talking to," he said between gritted teeth. 

I shoved him again. "Yes. _Sir_." I turned my back on him and stomped off. He probably thought I was acting like a child. I stopped a few metres away and made sure he was out of sight before sitting down, drawing my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. _'I killed someone. Killed. I killed. Someone is dead. I killed someone. Killed. Dead.'_

I felt wetness on my cheeks. Tears. _'Oh, Sirius, where are you?'_ I pulled my robes tighter around me and stood up unsteadily. 

I had never felt so alone in my entire life. 

***** 

My fingers fumbled with the lock and I dropped the keys more than once. Swearing loudly, I pulled out my wand and manually took off all the wards we had on our home. Shoving the door open, I stepped inside and knew immediately that it was empty. 

I swore again. _'The one time you're not here is the one time I want to see you. Bloody well figures, doesn't it? I'm such an idiot. Why did I get involved in this in the first place? I should just have taken a nice simple job. I'd have been okay. Instead, we've been fighting night and day because I'm an idiot! I am **such** an idiot.'_

I really was. Why couldn't I have been the mature one for once? Now I didn't even know where he was. What if he'd been hurt? What if – and the thought terrified me even more – he had been killed. I don't know how I found my way to Godric's Hollow. I thought for sure I'd end up in China, the way I was going. 

Apparating didn't even occur to me. I was so cold, even though it was a fairly mild night. _'I killed someone.'_ I quickened my steps, convinced someone was following me. No, it was my own imagination. _'No, it's the man I murdered.'_

I was running by the time I got to Lily's house. She'd know what to do. She always knew what to do. She _had_ to know what to do. 

I banged on the door, alternating between knocking and ringing the doorbell repeatedly. I heard footsteps and muffled yelps as objects thudded onto the ground, from the inside of the house. It just made me knock harder and I was really starting to panic now. 

James Potter opened the door and I launched myself into his arms. "Where's Sirius?" I questioned frantically. "Where is he? I can't find him, James, I don't know where he is!" I must have started babbling even more incoherently after that because I don't remember what I said. 

I could see the blurry outlines of people behind him and I realized I had tears in my eyes again. James shook me, looking slightly frightened. "Aria...Aria, stop that." 

"No, I can't find him, I don't know where he is and we were fighting and...and Trahern and I couldn't and I did...oh no, oh no...I didn't mean to but I did and I-" 

James placed his hand firmly over my mouth. "Calm down," he said gently, wiping my tears away with his other hand. "Calm down...I can't understand what you're-" 

I pulled away, shaking even more violently than before. "No, James, I didn't mean to, I swear and his eyes, oh God and I couldn't...didn't mean to but I wasn't thinking, saw him fall and I didn't mean to, I swear I didn't and then Trahern but I couldn't, I didn't mean to-" I broke off, sobbing and shaking and wishing I was three years old again and having a nightmare so that my mother could hold me in her lap and smooth my hair. "I didn't mean to," I whimpered. 

James hugged me and I could vaguely hear him talking. "-what to do." 

And then another voice. Familiar and deep and soothing. "Give her to me." 

I knew it was Sirius immediately. His arms wrapped around me, one of them rubbing my back and I trembled even more. What would he think when I told him? What would he say? He'd get that look...like the one my father used to get when I disappointed him- 

"Ri? Why are you shaking like that?" He was concerned. He cared. 

I clung to him like a child, refusing to let go. _'I could lose him. I could **lose** him. Someone could kill him. The way I killed-'_

"Ri?" 

"Oh, Sirius," I muttered. "You're alive." 

He pulled away slightly, pushing my hair out of my face. "Of course, I'm alive. What's the matter with you? Did you think I'd been killed or something?" 

I stared at him wordlessly. "That isn't funny," I said, in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "Damn you, don't joke about that! It isn't funny!" 

His brow furrowed and he looked the way James had when he's opened the door. "What are you on about? And why's your cheek all red? What happened to you?" 

I felt sick just thinking about it. I'd killed someone. I closed my eyes but all I could see was the flash of light as it had come spinning out of my wand, the man lying on the ground, the wide, surprised look in his eyes. I let out another choked sob and Sirius had his arms around me again. 

"Ri? Ri, tell me what it is!" Now he sounded frantic. 

I trembled. "I can't!" 

"Sirius, stop badgering her. Here, bring her inside. I'll get her something to drink." Lily, I realized. Of course...this was her house too. 

Sirius had to physically lift me up and carry me into the house. I couldn't move and I didn't want to. 

He sat me down on the couch, taking the space beside me. Everytime I closed my eyes, I could see the Death Eater's face, his vacant eyes. I jumped. Sirius pulled me closer to him, stroking my hair and muttering nonsense into my ear, trying to calm me down. 

"Ri?" 

I glanced up as Lily handed me a steaming mug. 

"It's tea. Herbal. Cranberry." 

I took the tiniest sip. It was red. _'Like blood.'_ I nearly dropped the mug. Sirius rescued it from my hands and set it on the table. I wouldn't look at them. I knew the three of them were waiting for an explanation but I couldn't tell them. What would they think? 

"Do you want to...erm...talk?" James asked, looking horribly uncomfortable. 

I leaned my head against my hands and tried to take a deep breath. It caught in my throat. 

"Ri?" 

I shook my head. 

Lily pressed something cold into the palm of my hand. "Ice." 

I stared at it, unsure of what she wanted me to do. 

Sirius took it out of my hand and pressed it tenderly to my cheek, pushing strands of my hair out of my face at the same time. "It's bruising," he said simply but I could see the worry in his dark eyes. 

I pulled away, holding the ice in my own hand. The silence was unearthly deafening. I placed the ice on the floor, wrapping my arms around myself. _'I'm so cold.'_

"Why are you shaking like that?" Sirius' voice broke through the little trance I'd forced myself in to. 

"Cold," I mumbled as Sirius hugged me to him. I was nearly unaware of his fingers stroking my hair, my face, my neck. 

"-take her home," I heard distantly. 

I jumped again, my heart starting to race as he helped me stand. He looked so confused and upset that I turned away, that sickening feeling returning to the pit of my stomach. 

Lily held open the front door, James sliding his arm automatically around her waist. I felt like I should say something. "Um...thank you," I said falteringly. "Sorry about...before." 

I know that they both replied and that it was probably something appropriate but I barely heard them. I didn't even protest as Sirius led me to his 'infernal motorbike'. I draped my arms around his waist securely and leaned my head against his back. He smelled like leather and outdoors and...well, like Sirius. 

The most comforting smell in the entire world. 

***** 

I wish I could say that I was asleep by the time we reached our home, but I wasn't. I'd stopped panicking but every now and then, I'd turn around, just to be sure no one was following us. (It's a _flying_ motorbike...who'd have been following us?!?) 

When we landed, Sirius sat very still for a few moments, before gently prying my hands off his waist and turning to look at me. "Okay?" 

I wasn't but I didn't say anything. His fingers brushed past my cheek and then he dropped his hand in defeat. He walked me up the stairs and pulled out his wand to unlock the door. He's never bothered with keys the way I have. 

The hallway was rather dark and I shivered as an old woman passed by, dragging her cart behind her. _'There is no one after me. I am over-reacting.'_ Sure. 

"Ri?" Sirius was looking at me, expecting an answer. 

"What?" 

"Do you want anything?" 

I shook my head and he leaned against the wall, watching me. 

"I just want to know why you're so upset," he said quietly. "I've never seen you like that before." 

_'He'll hate me.'_

"Aria, please...I care about you. You know that. Just tell me what happened." His eyes were dark and shadowed and he looked so sad. 

"We...had a mission tonight." I swallowed. "To complete our training. And I killed someone." I wouldn't look at him. 

Sirius' arms wound tightly around me, pressing me against him. "A Death Eater?" 

I nodded. 

"I'm sorry," he said softly, kissing my hair. "I'm so sorry." 

"He didn't even see it coming," I mumbled. "And his eyes were staring right at me. I killed him!" 

"Shh, shh...calm down..." 

"I can't!" I snapped. "Everytime I close my eyes, I see it happening! It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill him. I just wanted..." I trailed off. 

"Don't do this to yourself," he warned, kissing my forehead. "It's your job...you didn't do anything wrong." 

"I killed someone," I said listlessly. "How is that not wrong?" 

"It's what we do, Ri." 

"We aren't assassins, Sirius, for crying out loud!" 

He paused. "We do what we have to do." 

"You aren't listening to me. I killed someone. Someone is _dead_ because of me!" 

"Ri, listen to me. I know you don't want to hear this, but things like this happen in the line of work we do. You've just got to accept it and move on." 

"It's not right though. I killed him." 

"Would it make you feel better if I told you he'd killed an Auror?" 

"No!" 

"Was he going to?" 

I stopped. "Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know! It's making me sick inside...I feel-" 

"Guilty," he finished. "It's human nature." 

I pulled away from him. "Have you...?" 

His eyes flickered past me and then met mine. "Only when it was necessary." 

I stared at him, unable to process what he was saying to me. "Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I didn't want you to think I was...you know...like that." 

Deafening silence. 

"I _know_ you're not like that, you great stupid prat," I said, struggling to get my words right. Couldn't he understand that I _loved_ him? Why was this so hard for him to grasp? 

Another silence. 

I swallowed. Was this how it was going to be forever? Never knowing what to say or what to do? Never knowing what he was thinking or what he was thinking? _'Just make me forget this, Sirius. Please, just make me pretend it never happened.'_

Somehow his lips found mine and he was kissing me and it was almost like we were seventeen again. It was as if the last month hadn't happened, like we'd never even lived it. He walked me backwards and lowered me onto our bed and I gasped as his hands slid under my shirt, his hands warm against my back. How could I have convinced myself that I didn't this, that I didn't need him? I kissed him back with the same fervour, nearly trembling as he sucked gently on the side of my neck, his hands sliding up and down my stomach. 

Oh, I loved this man and the realization brought tears to my eyes. 

He propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at me in concern. "Is this-if you don't-" 

I pulled him back down to me, kissing him harder than I ever had before. He rested his forehead against mine and smiled, as if in wonder. 

"What is it?" 

He shrugged. "I love you, you know." He caressed my neck gently and I could see my own fear reflected in his dark eyes. "I just don't want to lose you." 

I couldn't reply so I only kissed him again. And for that moment, there was only Sirius and me and nothing else mattered. 

***** 

**~Sirius Black~**

I gazed down at the girl nestled in my arms. I'd missed her so much. I ran my fingers up and down the soft skin of her arms and I would have given anything to have stayed like that forever. In our bed with her dark hair spilling over the pillows and her skin pressed against mine. With that relaxed expression on her face and her lips slightly parted and the knowledge that she was mine and I was hers. Listening to her breathing and smiling as her hand lay gently against my chest. 

I suppose I could ruin this train of thought by remarking on amazing make-up sex but it rather spoils the mood, I find. But even as the thought comes to my mind, it's gone and I start wondering if we'll ever actually make it to the point where she'll legally be Mrs. Black. I wonder what our children will look like and if they'll have my temper and her sweetness. 

Ridiculous, really. Wondering about children when I won't sit down with her and talk about getting married. I know that I love her and that I want to spend the rest of my life with her...I just don't want to find out that she only said 'yes' because she felt obligated. 

James thinks I'm being an idiot but I can't help it. I don't want to lose her but at the same time, I don't want her to marry me if she doesn't want to. Which is even more dumb because if she didn't want to, why had she said yes? We'd been together for just under two years (not counting the time we'd spent apart because I'd been a complete jealous ass and the time we'd spent apart because she'd been acting dumb) when I'd asked her to marry me (and to be truthful, I hadn't really given it all that much thought). I just knew that I wanted her to be my wife and that if I ever had kids, I wanted them to be hers as well. 

She shifted slightly in her sleep and I sighed sadly as a tear slid down her cheek. Why had she done this? When you decide to become an Auror, you give a part of yourself up. You can't afford to feel sorry for killing a Death Eater; it just won't work that way. She was too good for this. 

I remember the first time I killed a Death Eater. I felt exhilarated until the truth hit me. I fought with Ri all that week, terrified she'd find out and leave me or something equally bad. And the simple truth was that I didn't want to lose her. My entire world...was wrapped up in one woman. Terrifying, isn't it? 

It's strange though. The reason that I always stun before killing is...her. It's always been her. I never want to see that look of disappointment on her face because I think it would kill me. 

It's not just because she's my lover and everything she says affects me. It's not just because she's my fiancée and every time she smiles I get a funny feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's not just because we've been friends for what sometimes feels like forever. She's me and I'm her. That's how well we know each other. I can see how she feels when I look into her eyes and I know she can see the same in mine. It's terrifying sometimes but in the same moment, I know that I would never change it for anything. 

She drives me crazy, she really does. And we fight over the stupidest things. She gets me so mad, I just want to break something. But then, there's the times when I look at her, with the sunlight kissing her hair and casting shadows across her face and I fall in love with her all over again. I get light-headed and giddy and I feel like an idiot. I wouldn't give that up. There's just no way I'll ever find someone else like her. I'll never find someone who knows me the way she does, who understands and loves me the way she can. 

The tears and the hateful words and the anger and the pain...I know it's all worth it to know that she loves me. 

I wish my father were here. I want him to tell me that what I'm doing is right. I just miss him so much. They took him away from me. I needed him, you know. Every boy needs his father. But more than that, I hate what it did to my mother. She smiles a lot less now. And she doesn't laugh the way she used to. She's happy...but not as happy as she should be. And because of that, _they_ deserve exactly what they get. They deserve to die, to be annihilated the way they are. How many families have they torn apart? How many children's lives have they shattered? How many people have they tortured mercilessly, just because they could? They deserve it then, don't they? Deserve the same treatment. Yes, it's right to take my revenge on them. It's right. We have to fight fire with fire. It's the only way to win. 

But sometimes I dream about green light and death and sadness and the families of the people I've killed. I wake up sweating and shaking and telling myself that it was only a dream. But no amount of love can destroy those memories. 

Because it isn't only a dream. And for parts of it, I'm thankful. No matter how much it hurts. 

***** 

**~Alastor Moody~**

I hate Death Eaters. I stepped onto the platform, feeling the rush of air through my body. I still hate Death Eaters. They're always bungling up something. Drives me mad. 

It's dark. Lara and her bloody conserving of energy. I'd like to slap that girl sometimes. Never leaves a light on... 

The fridge's empty. Bloody hell, can't they go shopping once in a while? Bread. I'm always having _bread_. I'm sick of bread. And the bloody toaster isn't working. Damn Muggles...can't get anything right. 

I need a drink. Damnit. Lara and her bloody rules. She got rid of all the bloody alcohol. What'm I supposed to drink? Did she stop to think about that one? No. I growled as I nearly tripped over Marcus' files. Damn that McKinnon boy, really. Leaving his stuff all over the shop. Do I look like a maid or something? I'm _not_ here to pick up after them. For Heaven's sake... 

It took me a few tries but I've managed to conjure up a drink for myself. Not quite sure what it is yet but it's burning my throat so it's fine. It's been a bad week. I'm wondering how many more are going to be dead before the month's out. The numbers are just ridiculous. Why is Voldemort doing this? If he ever does manage to take over the world, there'll be no one living in it to take over! 

The mission was pure hell tonight. Just me and that idiot, Fletcher. Can't understand what _his_ problem is. Too obsessed with levitating charms, if you ask me. He babbled on and on about how his daughter is thinking of starting a family. I wish them better luck than I had. 

I wonder what Bethie would think of me now. 

"Alastor," she'd say, "you're tiring yourself out! Spend some time with your daughter, for Heaven's sake!" 

Of course, my little princess would be well into her teens by now...all grown up. Sometimes when I close my eyes and I can hear her shriek of laughter as I send her spinning across the sky. If I listen hard enough, I can hear Bethie's protests of how I'll drop her. I won't. I wouldn't. 

I poured another drink and held the glass in my hand, just watching it. I'm getting melancholy again and there's no one down here to snap me out of it. Damn. 

I set the glass down and made my way to a desk. I suppose it's affecting me worse than usual tonight. I couldn't get around using _that_ curse tonight. My life or hers. Stupid Death Eater. It had to be done though. _'Did it?'_

Of course it did. There's no other way to stop this war. We can't just wait for it to blow over. And we can't just stun those damned Death Eaters and toss them in Azkaban. It's too easy for them to break out. We don't have the time to secure a new place for them. And it's hardly like they're suffering. 

Not the way we are. 

Fletcher would laugh if he could see me now. Alastor Moody, the Auror, justifying the reason he doesn't like the killing curse. A joke in itself. 

But that's what took them away from me and so help me, I won't sink to that level. I did at first. I destroyed Death Eaters as if they were smaller than flies. I shattered the minds of half of them first. Simply because I could. 

Their families hurt just as much as I do. And when the anger started to lessen, so did the instinct to murder, torture, kill. I was a Death Eater, working against them, working as an Auror, but fighting on the level they were. How did that make me better or worse than the murderers of Bethie? Of my little princess? 

Then all logical thinking flies out the window. I filled my glass once more, trying to stop the memories that I know will come no matter what I do. Dead bodies. So many of them. And the only ones I can see clearly are those of Bethie and my little princess. My princess clutching my big old pocket-watch in her tiny left hand. How had she managed to get that anyway? 

I dream of them. I wake up and I still see them and I just wish that...that my dream was real and what's real was a dream. It fuels my anger and I want to destroy all the Death Eaters. Every last one of them. I want to make them suffer, the way I have suffered. I want them to feel the despair I've felt, the hate, the anger. I want them to know the torture of living every single day, every single hour. Oh yes, I want them to know. 

I hate the twinge I get when a Death Eater is lying at my feet, their face in the dirt. I should feel elated, like justice has been served. And I don't. For one brief second, I feel a sense of satisfaction and then it's replaced by the emptiness all over again, only it's worse now because I know that their family will feel the way I do. Broken and betrayed and so very alone. 

Justice can't be served because there is no justice in this world. But one day, I will find the ones who tortured and killed my world and then I'll hold my wand out and simply ask them, "Why?" 

I know they won't respond but I want an answer the way I need air. Why they chose that day, those two people, that place...just why. I'll have them begging me for mercy, but I won't give in, just like they refused to. 

There are still times when I hear Bethie asking me what I'm doing. When I dream of her asking me what my life is for. And I can't answer her. 

Because in all truth...I don't know. All I know is that one day, there will be an eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A life for a life. And a soul for a soul. 

On that day, I will claim two lives and one soul. The lives of Bethie and my princess. And the soul...the soul will be for me. 

Justice _will_ be served. I don't care how many tears I have to blink away to witness it, but justice will exist. And I'll be there to see it. 

--- 

I suppose here's a good place to put this in; the title "It Comes Down To This" is actually a line from a song by Bon Jovi (Save the World for those of you who are interested. It's one of those sappy songs but I love the way _It comes down to this_ sounds in that song).   
Anyone who can tell me where "The Bitter Sting of Tears" comes from is welcome to my admiration. As always, I don't own the characters that are important. Trahern will be making another appearance (I think). Sadly, I own him. He's not a very nice person.   
If you have the time, let me know what you thought.   



End file.
